i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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