Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
