Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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