I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
