overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Couch. On fire.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
