i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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