I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize