I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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