this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
