I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize