I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
