I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I didn't notice because vodka
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
