someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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