i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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