I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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