I accidentally had phone sex last night
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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