Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
