my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
