Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
