I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
