i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
