And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
