I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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