i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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