Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
