his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
