then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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