not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
