Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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