I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
