I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
