Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
