question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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