Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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