Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
