So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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