I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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