Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It's blow job season.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
