Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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