Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I love you. Go after that dick
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize