i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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