I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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