remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
