I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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