Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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