he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
