She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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