I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
