Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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