Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
