at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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