Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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