Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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