hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
