yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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