Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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