I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
