I am midnight drunk by noon
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
