I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
