I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
