She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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