I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
