I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
