so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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