I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize