im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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