Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
