I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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